Marvel's The Avengers: Green Guy Gone
by Dravenuk
Summary: Iron Man, Thor and Captain America are about to head off on a mission against Hydra when the God of Thunder notices that a certain big green angry fella is missing.


'Okay,' said Iron Man. 'I just got the signal. Romanoff and Barton are in place and waiting. So lets up up and away already.'

'Hold! One of us appears to be missing!'

It was a sunny spring morning in New York City as the commanding voice of Thor sounded out across the rooftop of the newly refurbished Stark Tower.

Knees bent, Iron Man had been about to take off, his repulsors burning and sparking, about to explode with thrust.

'Yeah. Where's Doctor Banner?' came the unmistakable voice of Steve Rogers aka the living legend who is Captain America. 'Taking on the new Hydra like this we really could do with some extra green muscle.'

With a low whine Iron Man's repulsors died.

Drawing himself up straight he said through his helmet, 'Banner's incommunicado, fellas. He's taking a time out to deal with some...issues.'

'I do not understand,' said Thor. 'The last time I spoke with him he seemed to be content. He had not had an unplanned incident in months.'

Iron Man sighed. With a click and a buzz his face plate opened up and Tony Stark turned to face his team mates.

There was Thor, standing tall...very tall...some ten feet away. He was eyeing Tony with suspicion, his legendary hammer clutched tight in his right hand, ready for action. To Thor's right was Cap, in his full red white and blue get up, his shield slung over his back. It had been agreed that Thor would give the wing headed Avenger a lift to the coming battle. A battle that seemed to be on hold now as Cap too was looking mistrustful of Tony.

Tony gave his fellow Avengers his best innocent look.

'Guys, Banner... He just has one or two things to work through. Personal things. He says he regrets not being here as he'd so love to pull on the super stretchy pants and beat down on some neo Nazi scum bags. But maybe next time. So, can we-?' He swung a metal gauntleted hand upwards, indicating take off.

Thor and Cap stayed put.

Neither looked convinced.

'Okay, Stark,' said Cap. 'What did you do?'

Tony's eyes widened, his innocent look working overtime now.

'Hey! Why is it always me? I didn't do anything. Banner...he's just...'

'He is a sensitive soul despite his monstrous alter ego,' said Thor, taking a menacing step towards Tony. 'Answer the Captain,' he growled.

Instantly Tony struck a defensive posture, raising his repulsors which whined back to glowing life.

'Far enough, Glamour Hammer,' he warned.

Cap laid a restraining hand on Thor's tensed, muscular arm, halting his advance. 'Easy, Thor,' he said. 'We're all still on the same team.'

Thor heeded Cap's words and halted, though Mjölnir remained raised to waist height as the God of Thunder glowered at the Man of Iron.

'Sometimes I wonder,' he muttered.

Cap nodded at Tony.

'You, drop the repulsors and tell us what happened. The truth.' He then added sarcastically, 'You are familiar with that concept, right?'

Tony gave Cap a 'oh that's so hilarious' look, but did as he was told and lowered his hands, the repulsors going dark once more.

'Really not my fault,' he told the pair of superheroes waiting not so patiently for an explanation. 'How was I supposed to know he'd react like that?'

'Like what?' said Cap. 'What did you do _this_ time?'

'We know you like to tease Banner, to provoke him, for your own amusement,' growled Thor. 'You treat the poor man like a pet, something to toy with. You enjoy seeing how far you can push him before...'

'Hey, no fair,' cried Tony. 'I'm a huge Banner fan. Have been way before he sucked up gamma rays and went smash happy. I just don't wanna see him waste his potential.'

Cap strode towards him, stopping when they were virtually nose to nose.

'Spill,' the First Avenger demanded.

For several long seconds Tony held Cap's steely gaze. Eventually though, realising he could never hope to win a stare out contest with this guy (if you can stare down the Red Skull you can stare down anyone), he sighed and said:

'Okay. So, you remember a couple weeks back when we had our last movie night?'

Cap nodded.

'What is 'movie night'?' asked Thor.

Tony glanced past Cap at the Thunder God.

'Oh, you weren't there, big guy. Too busy off world fighting orcs or something.'

Thor frowned. 'I am not familiar with that race. Do they pose a threat to Midgard?'

'Only Middle Midgard,' joked Tony.

Cap gave an impatient throat clear.

'Anyway,' said Tony, re-addressing the First Avenger. 'You remember we'd finished the Star Wars movies and started on the Lord of the Rings trilogy – part of my ongoing mission to update you on all the major late twentieth and early twenty first century popular culture touchstones?'

Cap nodded. 'Yes, though I still say that for a great movie you can't beat The Wizard of Oz.' After a slight pause he said simply, 'Flying Monkeys.' And gave a tiny un-Cap-like shiver.

'Okaaay,' said Tony, eyebrows raised at the creeped out Cap. 'Back now to the post-World War 2 world and last Saturday Banner was with me down stairs in lab number five.'

'The one you're currently having rebuilt,' observed Cap, his eyes behind his mask narrowing with suspicion. The super soldier obviously had an idea where this was all headed.

'Uh huh,' said Tony, nodding. 'We were going over some old data harvested from the Tesseract, trying to make sense of it when we somehow got in to a spirited but totally good natured debate concerning the, uh, varying interactions between non-aligned universe's cosmic forces and which ones would, overall, produce the most effective results if they were ever to come in to contact.'

By the look in Cap's eyes, Tony knew that the wise not-so-old old Avenger now understood exactly what had happened.

'Tell me you didn't,' said Cap.

Tony shifted uncomfortably, the servos in his armour whirring as he moved.

'Well...I _could_ tell you I didn't. But you and I both know you wouldn't believe me.'

'I do not understand,' said Thor, striding forward to stand at Cap's side, scowling at Tony. 'What did Stark do to Banner?'

Cap looked Tony in the eye. A hard accusing look.

'He found his weak spot,' Cap explained. 'And then he pushed.'

Holding up both hands Tony took a couple of hasty steps back.

'Hey! We were both happily and spiritedly debating the issues. No stress. And then all I said to him was Darth Vader would TOTALLY hand Gandalf his ass in a one-on-one smack down. I mean, Imperial technology, dark side force powers _and_ a lightsabre? Tell me I'm wrong?'

'Once again you talk in riddles and nonsense, Stark,' growled Thor. 'How did that jumble of meaningless words upset Banner and make him transform?'

Tony looked from Thor to Cap, back to Thor, then finally back to Cap.

'So, you wanna explain the passion of uber-nerds to a God or shall I?'

'Bottom line, _you_-' Cap jabbed an angry finger at Tony, '-found Banner's weak spot and took advantage. You deliberately riled him up and undid a lot of hard work. Plus you also managed to destroy a high tech lab, one we needed to work on the Hydra gear. And on top of all that, you unleashed the Hulk back on the world.'

'Uh, well, Hulk actually destroyed the lab not me,' Tony muttered in his usual fast manner. 'Though I did kinda ruin a few expensive bits of kit when Big Green sent me through two walls and an exterior window. Good job I had the armor on. But still, got a big ol' bruise on my...'

'Ass!' Cap hissed at him. 'You really are an ass, Stark.'

Tony gave a sheepish shrug. 'Yeah, kinda true. I've been told that a lot. In my defence though Banner is an uber-nerd who really digs the Rings. Who knew?'

Cap stared at Tony, his masked gaze full of anger and disbelief.

'So where's Banner now?' he demanded. 'Is he alright? And more importantly is New York alright post-Hulk?'

'Oh yeah. New York's fine. Mostly. And Banner's fine too. He's back spending a few days at that Buddhist retreat he likes so much. Centering his Yahtzee or something. I found him pretty quick. Calmed him down. After.'

'After...what?' asked Thor.

Tony turned away from the pair and took a few motorized steps across the open roof top. He stopped at the edge and looked out over the city, enjoying the warm spring wind upon his face.

He couldn't help but smile.

_Yeah, I am such an ass!_

'Well, lets just say a couple of big department stores are gonna have to do some rebuilding and restocking of their Star Wars toys...especially the Darth Vader ones.' He chuckled. 'Strange though how the Lord of the Rings sections were left completely untouched.'

Amazingly Tony heard Cap begin chuckling behind him.

'I know our lives are beyond weird,' the silver age hero said, still chuckling, 'but the idea of a giant green rage-fueled monster taking his fury out on a bunch of plastic kids toys really does go from crazy weird to absurdly surreal.'

Grinning, Tony turned back to Cap.

'Yeah, kinda Monty Python-ish, huh?'

Cap looked at him blankly.

Tony sighed.

'Okay. That'll be pop culture lesson number three for next week then.'

'I do not understand any of this,' declared Thor.

'So,' said Tony, looking from Cap to Thor while loudly clapping his metal encased hands together. 'Now that we know Banner is okay, if a total nerd, Cap is still scared of flying monkeys, and lustrous locks here knows nothing about anything, what say we fly off, meet up with Tasha and Clint and take out some bad guys, yeah?'

'Yes,' said Thor, starting to spin Mjölnir, preparing for take-off. 'I believe that is the best course of action. And that we do not speak any more of this confusing 'nerd' subject. A good battle is far more favorable.'

Tony nodded at Thor. 'What he said.'

Cap nodded too. 'Fine,' he said. 'Lets saddle up and go to work.' And stepped over to Thor, ready for his Thunder God provided lift to the upcoming battle.

Tony, grinning broadly, closed his faceplate and activated his repulsors. The familiar whine of growing power quickly built as he prepared himself for blast off.

'Oh, and Stark?' came Cap's voice from behind.

Iron Man turned his head half-way round.

'Yeah?'

'You're still an ass!'

Iron Man nodded once and said, 'Better believe it. That's why everybody loves me.'

And with a flaming roar ol' shellhead blasted his way far up in to the sky.

***


End file.
